I want this year to
be different, be better. However, for 2013 to be better than 2012 I have to
first say what was wrong with 2012(and before), especially since you don't know
me.
So let me take you
back...
Until the age of
eight, I grew up going to Church fairly often, and with a Christian grandmother
who taught me how to behave like a little lady. I went to Sunday school, I
learned that Jesus loved me, but I was young. So, when I was placed in foster
care at the age of nine, I didn’t hold tightly to this life. I tried to
maintain going to church, but my foster family made me feel as though it was a
chore. I soon began to feel like I inconvenienced them. One day my foster mom (an
Atheist) asked me a question that stuck in my head for years to come. She said,
"Why do you
believe in God if he let this happen to your family?"
I was a goner. I took
this in my little head, and said well, either there is a God, and he's a huge
jerk, so I don’t want anything to do with Him. Or, there is no God. I took the
latter and ran with it.
So from the age of 9-17 I was a hard-core Atheist.
Even regrettably, making fun of those who I deemed "bible thumpers".
I partied, I hated
religion, I denounced God, I had sex with people just because I thought I loved
them. I dabbled with marijuana, I thought for a long time that all I had to
offer were my looks and body because it seemed the thing guys were drawn to. I
mistreated my friends, and I had an unparalleled trucker’s mouth.
Don't get me wrong, I
wasn't a terrible human being. I put my friends and family before myself most
often, I worked and did well in school to get into university. I even forgave
my family despite the horrible life they had dealt me. These good points were
true, but just because I wasn't terrible, doesn’t mean I was good either.
Looking back, I
wonder if the selfless acts were truly selfless or more because I felt others
deserved more than me, were better than me. Because the one thing I know for certain
is that I left these years feeling lonely, broken, used and dirty.
But here's the thing;
throughout my rebellious adolescence God was in a passionate and ferocious pursuit
of me. Even though my life was so messy, so tainted and full of sin, He wanted
me.
So, when I was 17 my
journey back to God started when I was far from home. I was in Italy actually,
on my first trip anywhere. I had saved money for a year and a half to go with
my school, and I was finally enjoying the fruit of that labour. However, while
visiting the Vatican after having had mass, I was saddened. I was looking
around at the statues and paintings of Christ, and this little voice inside me
asked "Why did I give up on God?"
So there I was
standing alone, looking at a painting while asking this question, when I feel a
weight on my shoulder, as though someone is resting their hand there. I turn
around expecting to find my good friend and rooming buddy there, and instead
there is no one around me within a 20ft radius. I immediately broke out in goose
bumps, and then burst into tears. When my friend found me ten minutes later I
was so hysterical I couldn’t tell her why I was hysterical. I wasn’t even able
to talk about it until weeks later.
The Lord had
comforted me. He had laid His hand on my shoulder as though to say, all is
forgiven. I believe this to be the greatest truth in my life. It scared me at
the time, hence the hysterics, but now I look back in amazement. I had never
known a God that was forgiving! Sunday schools had simply taught me; sin, and
go to hell, refrain from sin and go to Heaven. Could it be that this was the
true God?
I went away to ponder
this for many months. I began privately looking at this new God, and what he
stood for. I was being pulled closer and closer to Christianity, but I still
had my reservations. The biggest one was that as a feminist, I knew that
religion had often persecuted women, and I wasn’t ok with this. Didn’t Christians
blame women for all sin in life because it was Eve who first tasted the apple
and tempted Adam?
I was so naïve.
This second to last
stone that had been my wall between Jesus and I fell in late February of 2010.
I was taking a course with the most hard core feminist teacher at my
university. She had warned us that we were going to be discussing religion, and
that she would be ripping apart every religion, even Judaism which was her own.
If we didn’t like it, we could leave. She raged for weeks about the various religions
and how awful they were for women. How they persecuted females, and criminalized
the innocent. Finally, my last class before my second trip overseas, I walked
into a lecture title that I will never forget.
“Jesus was a Feminist”
Wait, what?! I was
shocked. Was she actually defending a religion? What does she mean He was a
feminist? Was I wrong all along?
Turns out I was.
Jesus coined the term
“Daughters of Abraham” when it had only been sons before.
He taught women
thousands of years before it was acceptable.
He treated everyone
equally, and conversed with them as such.
He healed even those
who had become pariahs in society, especially women (see Mark 5:25-34)
These points shattered the frail
pieces of my barricade that I had left standing, and sent me on my trip to
Costa Rica with a lot to think about.
The third, and final stage of me
coming Home was the boy I met on my trip. Though despite his age, man is a far
better term. When I was so full of questions, and turmoil; nothing but a
newborn fawn on shaky legs, God placed a gift in my path. That gift’s name was
Caleb. Prior to my trip Caleb and I knew
each other as mere acquaintances from the camp we had both gone to. This camp
was now doing an overseas trip, hence us both being there. At three years my
junior, Caleb and I were an unlikely couple. But isn’t that how the best love
stories start?
There was something about him
that captivated me from the beginning. He was so quiet and reserved, and far
from my type. I had always been into the popular jerks, the outgoing guys, and
always people my age or older. However despite my very best efforts, I couldn’t
fight the pull I felt towards this young man, especially as I got to know him
more. We became friends and hung out a lot on the trip, and all the while I had
no idea he was a Christian, or believed in God at all. I delighted in the way
he seemed more open with me than others, at how I could make him laugh. I felt I
somehow brought a light out in him, and he somehow made me want to be better. Upon a four day separation during our trip (a
small group of us backpacked on our own for a bit) I realized I missed him
terribly. When we reunited with the group, I threw myself into his arms briefly
but immediately pulled back and fought to supress my feelings once more. As a
social worker in training I knew that our age difference was acceptable
legally, but as a girl, I felt strange. What would people think? Why on earth
would he ever feel the same? Am I some kind of creepy cougar?
The last was a little far
reaching, but something I felt at the time. Despite all this, I found out the
last night through some intense late night conversations that he in fact did
feel the same. On the plane ride home secretly holding his hand, I was heartbroken
knowing we were leaving one another, and how far he lived. I had chalked it up
to a spring break fling so to speak, even though nothing physical had happened.
After all, how could we possibly make it work back in the real world?
Caleb, brave amazing guy that he
is, was having none of that. His heart broke upon our departure, but he sought
to mend it by fighting for me, fighting for what we had begun to build. He said
that if my feelings were as strong as his, that I would fight with him, and be
his. I agreed.
Little did I know what a battle
it would be. This is when I found out that not only was he a Christian, but he
was from a rather strict and protective Christian family. We thought to keep
our relationship secret for a while until we were more settled ourselves but
this lasted only about 2.5 weeks until his mother found out. Miraculously,
despite the age difference of me being in university and her son in highschool,
she decided to meet me and form her judgements then. So, I met his parents at
the beginning of April, and through God’s will they somehow approved of me. Don’t
get me wrong they put me through the ringer regarding my intentions towards
their son, and asked if I would be willing to attend church with them, but in
the end they approved and I was invited to Caleb’s baptism that weekend. It
would be my first time in a church in almost eleven years!
Nervous beyond belief, I
travelled over an hour for the second time that weekend to attend Caleb’s
baptism, and I was overwhelmed by the love and acceptance I found within that
church. While singing, my nerves suddenly let up and it was almost as if I
could see the love in the building, that’s how tangible it was. I had told Caleb, and his parents that I was
on my own journey of seeking God, but I didn’t know at the time how close that
journey was to ending. They approved of me partially for this reason, to help
me in my path to God, and I’m forever grateful.
A couple weekends later on my
third trip to church, our Pastor delivered the sermon that changed my life. It
was Easter Sunday and at the last moment Pastor John had changed his morning
sermon to speak specifically about God’s overpowering love and forgiveness, to
say that anyone who seeks Him can walk beside Him forever more, because we are
covered by His grace. He spoke to the entire congregation, not knowing that in
the very back, the Holy Spirit was using him to speak directly to a young girl
whose final issue was her own self-worth. A girl who still said, I know his
love is relentless and unconditional, but can he truly love me despite my many
flaws, and sinful time away from him? Can he truly succeed where countless
people, including my parents had failed, and love me unconditionally? I was
told he could, and on that day I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour quietly
on my own, and gained the love of the best parent I could ask for, Jesus
Christ.
After reading that (provided you
stuck with me) can you truly say that He was not relentless pursuing me? That these events were some weird coincidence
that I read too far into? If you can, I feel bad that you don’t know Jesus, and
I hope that you will one day. Because to me it’s clear, he was there all along,
I was just ignorant.
Now that I have overwhelmed you
with background information (sorry about that), it is time to get to the point
of this blog. These past 20 months I have been professing my faith and love for
Jesus, but have not truly been the best example of a Christian, or of myself. I
have made mistakes still, some that cost me love, or friends, and others that
have brought me further away from Jesus for a time. I have made time for
prayer, and scripture reading when I can, and turned God into someone I simply “fit”
into my schedule. This is not how it should be, nor how I want it to be. I want to pursue my Father as whole heartedly
and relentlessly as he pursued me all those years. I want to remember every day, that I was not
home, or full or healed, until I had Jesus. I want to love Him passionately
above all else, and walk more intimately with him. So this is how my journey
begins, as a girl simply trying to better herself and love Jesus more. Hopefully love herself more along the way as
well.
I have designated ten New Year’s
resolutions for myself this year, hefty I know. But, I want to stick to them
all. Many involve my faith, but others are simpler and surround things like
cooking, health, creativity and relationships. I will be writing about them as
often as I can, if not everyday and I'm inviting you to join me on this journey
and hopefully take a journey of your own. At the end of it all I want to be a
better version of me, and I hope you can grow and be a better version of you. So
instead of 365 days to go until next New Year’s, I say there’s 365daystogrow.
Love,
Kristy
